


Cool

by Mireille



Category: due South
Genre: M/M, author swings both Rays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-01
Updated: 2003-06-01
Packaged: 2019-03-22 20:11:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13771638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mireille/pseuds/Mireille
Summary: Vecchio learns that you really can't go home again.





	Cool

He's so tired.

The last time he got a full night's sleep was fourteen months ago, before Vegas, before everything in Chicago went straight to hell and made Vegas look tempting, and Ray is tired.

Tired, and his cover is blown, and there's some twitchy little freak at his desk. Using his name--but that was the deal, wasn't it; he'd known all about it and it was all cool, everything is cool except the way that Kowalski looks at Benny.

Because Ray knows that look. Wants to believe he never looked that stupid--want and hope and despair and reluctant adoration, not the most dignified combination on a grown man--wants to believe he kept some semblance of suavity. Knows better. He was a sap around Benny, and if he didn't admit it, someone would be sure to tell him.

Oh, yes, he knows that look all too well. Knows the look Kowalski's giving him, too--edgy and suspicious and resentful--because he's walked around with that expression too, glaring at his sister, Elaine, the Dragon Lady...Victoria, and Ray doesn't like the thought that Kowalski might hate him as much as he hates Victoria.

But he knows those looks, and he won't let them bother him. They make him feel sorry for the guy, actually--make Ray want to take him out for a beer and a good long discussion about "Why Falling for the Mountie Will Screw Up Your Life." He might even get to like Kowalski, once the guy figures out who the hell he is. They might have a few things in common.

That look, for one.

He wonders if they've had the talk yet. The one that starts with too little sleep and too much wanting, and ends with, "I'm sorry, Ray." Wonders if he can warn this other Ray away from it before it all happens again.

Because yeah, this guy is a moron, and yeah, Ray resents the hell out of him, but he also knows what that talk feels like, and he doesn't wish that on anybody. So maybe he should find a moment to pull Kowalski aside and give him a few words of advice.

Assuming they haven't had that conversation yet, which is a big assumption, because there's a layer of despair underneath all the hyperactivity, and it's entirely possible that it's due to the guy in the hat. Of course, it's also entirely possible that it's due to the fact that Kowalski just caught sight of his haircut in a mirror.

He really should say something, spare the guy a little pain, because the look in Benny's eyes when he says, "I'm sorry, Ray," after you've just bared your soul to him? It breaks your heart. And Ray's not a cruel man, even after this past year; Kowalski doesn't deserve that.

But then Benny's back in the room, and Ray's watching him, because that's what he does. What he did, fourteen months ago, and he's half-disappointed, half-pleased to discover that it feels exactly the same. Nothing else has been the same, and it's oddly comforting to know that one thing, hasn't changed. It hurts, like it always did, and he'd been hoping it wouldn't. But it's at least familiar, so everything is cool.

But then he's watching Benny, and he realizes that Benny is watching Kowalski, and everything is so far from cool that Ray forgets to breathe. And he knows that Benny and Kowalski can't have had that conversation yet, but there's no need for words of warning.

Because Ray knows the look Benny's giving the guy. Spent three and a half years praying for that look; he should know it when he sees it. Only he thought that, when he saw it, it would be for him.

Now he knows better.

Now he wants to apologize to his sister for years of mocking her futile pursuit of the Mountie. Owes her big time for it.

Because he's been just as stupid.

And he's tired, and there's a twerp with a bad haircut at his desk, and he's home, but it's never going to be home again.

Kowalski's not seeing how Benny looks at him, the moron, but he's watching Ray like a hawk--a deranged sparrow convinced he's a hawk, anyway--and just daring him to try to take Benny away. Ray knows that look, too, from the inside, and knows how much it hurts.

He could make it go away with a few quiet words, but he doesn't. Plays it cool and pretends he doesn't see. Because he may have to sacrifice his hopes, but he's keeping his pride.

**Author's Note:**

> [me on tumblr](https://mireille719.tumblr.com)


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